The History of John McCain
The History of John McCain was a miniseries that aired on The History Channel in May and June of 2008. John McCain is 7009 years old therefor he has a long history. He is a living proof that humans were the first on Earth. Eat It you Scientists! Part I: His Birth John McCain was born on August 23, 5000 B.C. at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California. His birth was complicated. Liberals from Mars attacked his mother a day before the birth making the birth very complicated. Doctors at Cedars invented a new birthing method. They invented the Caesarean Section in which John McCain was born and his mother was fine. Many many many years later the birthing method was used again on Julius Caesar where is was formally named a "Caesarean Section" naming itself after Caesar. This was an act of plagiarism in which one day resulted in Caesar's death. Part II: Childhood He was a child for 2000 years. During his childhood around 4000 B.C. Aliens from Mars kidnapped him. McCain became a Maverick when he killed the martians on the spaceship. he flew the Spacship to Mars to plant an American Flag on the Red Planet. After that he crash landed in Egypt. He survived and got his first job building Pyramids. He built the Great Pyramid all by himself with the help of 100 slaves. Part III: Teen Years John McCain turned 13 in 3000 B.C.. He moved to Athens, Greece that year. He started his career in the Military at that time leading his army to defeat the city-state of Sparta. He was a prophet who predicted the coming of Jesus. He said "And Ye said our lord and savior will come with great force to take on the The Roman Empire." He turned 18 in 1 A.D. He was one of the Three Wise Men. He brought the Baby Jesus an I.E.D as a gift to protect him from liberals like King Hearod. This can be seen in Monty Python's "The Life Of Brian" The Virgin Mary sent the I.E.D. to Hearod which destroyed him stopping him from his abortion rampage. He later became a member of the Twelve Disciples. Part IV: Early 20s He was 20 years old in 33 AD. He witnessed the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. McCain cried and screamed so much it caused an Earthquake. He later planned the murder of Julius Caesar. He was the first one to stab him. He appeared to be his friend for so long but was mad at him. Upon stabbing him he said "What the Fuck is a Caesarean Section? I was born through that method first. You committed an act of plagiarism you son of a bitch! It should be called a McCainain Section" Part V: Kidnapping by Confucius For a second time John McCain was kidnapped in 43 AD. This time he was kidnapped by Confucius. He had His body frozen for a long time until the 1950s when he was found in the Italian Alps. Confucius must have carried him out on the Silk Road. McCain was called the "Ice Man of the Alps". He was unthawed and he joined the US Army. Upon entering the army he invented the phrase "Be An Army of One". McCain being frozen inspired many of Gandhi's ideas. Part VI: Vietnam War John McCain fought in the Vietnam War. He killed 5000 gooks and was awarded the Presidential Medal of honor by Ronald Reagan in 1985. During the war he was kidnapped by Vietnamese commies. He was held captive and tortured for 6 years and received a communist dent on his left cheek. He returned home after being freed. Being in Vietnam inspired him to direct a movie called "Good Morning Vietnam" which stared Robin Williams. Part VII: Senator from Arizona In the 1970s he was elected as a senator for the state of Arizona. He keeps being re-elected because he is the Original Maverick. Part VIII: Run for President At 7008 years of age John McCain and Sarah Palin ran for President and Vice President and lost the election. Bonus Features (DVD & Blue Ray Only) Events John McCain has witnessed *The Crucifixion of Jesus Christ *The September 11 Terrorist attacks *The Fall of the Berlin Wall *The Construction of the Great Wall of China *The Recording of The Wall *The Birth of George W. Bush *The Martin Luther King, Jr. "I Have Dream Speech" *Queen Elizabeth II's first address "Make McCain More Exciting" Green Screen Challenge entries *Over 30 entries Awards *2008 Emmy Award for Outstanding Mini-Series *2008 Emmy Award for Outstanding Director of a Mini-Series; Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. See Also *John McCain/Definitive Speech *Old *Old People *Caesarean Section *The History Channel